Friday, September 30, 2011

No. 138: "Girls Night Out."

Last year I wrote the definitive guide for every guy's night out, I called it: "Bro's Evening Not In." Being from the male persuasion, I was able to denote every fundamental aspect of a perfect night out with the boys. Well, I felt the need to indulge my female readers with a blog of their own (Also, I couldn't think of a new idea for a blog this week so I thought I might as well spin-off a previous post). We've all seen a group of girls having a night out on the town. Whether you're that creepy old dude peering at them from afar as you cunningly masturbate next to the jukebox or the suave bartender that will inevitably lay to bed one of the more "swallow-friendly" gals in the group. I will list a few axiomatic steps needed for a perfect girls night out.

Pick A Theme:
This is a vital element to a successful girls night out. Without a theme, your friends might end up getting confused and lose the party after talking on their cells phones outside. How else could they recognize their friends who they have known since middle school without ridiculously extravagant matching outfits to identify from a distance? You can go in any direction with the theme. Whether it's retro 80's or posh black and white. Just make sure the theme and outfits accommodate your fat friend Denise.

Denise has an amazing personality.

Take Forever To Get Ready:

This is one of the few things women are more accomplished at (other than giving birth and making sandwiches). If you've ever lived with a girl, you know that unless she begins preparations before the street lights go on, you're not making it to the bar 'til midnight. Find an outfit that says: "I'm fun and sexy, but I probably won't blow you unless you have coke." Use this three-hour period to text your girlfriends about how "EXCITEDDD YOU AREEEE!!! :) :)" While out at dinner, order a small salad and share it with a friend. Or, take the escape clause route and scarf down all the succulent fried shrimp you can handle since you'll be returning it in the bar restroom after that shot of tequila.

Be Fucking Loud:
You won't need much catechizing with this one; since you bitches can't shut the fuck up. Start the night off right by ordering a round of shots consisting solely of food coloring and sugar. Wait until all of your friends have finished texting and death-staring other girls before raising up your glasses and puncturing the rest of the bar patrons' ear drums with indistinguishable screams. It is also important to yell incoherently for no reason other than the fact that you're wasted after two appletinis. "Woo!," "Oh Mah Gawd!," and "Seriously? No, seriously?" are a few good starters. But, the most imperative time to be fucking loud is when "your song" comes on. Corral all of your girlfriends and explain how the popular song coming through the speakers is in fact "your song." Do this with every third song.

Talk Shit About Friend That Didn't Show Up:
Routinely, there will be one member of your clique that is unable to make it out for the night's events. This could have to do with their job schedule that requires more than fifteen hours per week or because they are pregnant again and the abortion isn't scheduled until next week*. Since they are not with the group, take this opportunity to discuss her flaws, douche bag boyfriend and other shallow topics de jour. But, remember to never say any of this to her face (unless you're black). Take a moment to wonder what everyone was saying about you last week when you did not partake in the last girls night out and then have another shot to forget about it.

Start Crying For No Reason:
Towards the end of the night it is mandatory for at least one girl from the group to start sobbing unprovoked. This could be triggered from a boyfriend who did not immediately text her back at 1:45 AM or a bartender that was mean to her. To help her in this dire situation, hurl compliments at her and help clean her smeared mascara. Label all men as "jerks" or "pigs" and then proceed to dance away the tears. This would not work for men, though. If one of my buddies began crying I would launch emasculating insults at him, punch him in the kidney and tell him to "man up" before buying him a shot and giving him a bro-hug.

"Why won't he text me back!?"

Abandon Friends:
After you are finished dealing with Sobbing Samantha, one of your friends will inexplicably go missing. Gather your mod squad of heeled hoochies and form a search party. Start yelling her name down the street and calling her phone that she left in your purse. Someone obviously kidnapped her, so call the police and file a Missing Persons Report. Make sure to allude to the obvious by yelling "She was right here!" every ten minutes. Eventually, you all will come to the realization that she went home with some random guy to contract a newly developed form of gonorrhea. Exchange disparaging remarks about her promiscuity and bid each other adieu.

Well, there you go ladies. I tried to write this post in the most mature and progressive manner possible. We really aren't that different, women and men. Men get obliterated and openly mock each other while you quietly hold hate forums for your absentee friends. Men watch other, more athletic men compete in athletic events while you text minutia to people you secretly hate. And men leave no stone unturned attempting to lay pipe while you thwart all attempts at conversation from seemingly nice males before leaving with "that one black guy" at the end of the night. I hope this post will encourage you to organize your own girls night out to escape from your busy and demanding life chock full of salon appointments and shiatsu massages. If you see me, say hi. I'll be the guy by the jukebox.

*That one even offended me. Sorry.

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