No. 139: "Awkward Moments."

Awkwardness is unavoidable in life. You can attempt to posture suave and smooth all you want, but eventually you're going to be put into a situation where even Keith Stone, The Most Interesting Man In The World and that dude from the Old Spice commercials can't help but feel embarrassed. There are usually only a few actions one can furnish once this awkward moment has arisen; and it must be done with fast-acting veracity. Well, I'm here to help. I find myself in awkward situations almost daily, but I walk away unmarred. Here are a few accessible tips to make those not-so-elegant moments less gawky.

The Most Interesting Man leaves out the embarrassing moments in his stories of masculinity.

Telling A Story And Having Someone Walk Away:

Solution #1
Continue telling story to the closest person around; like that cook at your work who doesn't understand English.

Solution #2
Follow them around, continuing with your long-winded story until they start running and knocking over newsstands to get away from you.

Solution #3
Just stop talking. Pick up the story when you two are alone again. Except this time lock the door.

Overview:
The best way to avoid this problem is by having awesome stories that people actually want to hear (e.g. Lying). Then again, that's kind of like saying the best way to quit smoking is to never start. Some people just suck at telling stories. The best quick fix is to just alley-oop a story topic to a friend familiar with the story that simultaneously has social skills that you lack. The best solution in this scenario is #1. More often than not there will be some sad sap around that no one wants to talk to who would enjoy a little social interaction. Crossed-eyed Gary loves stories.

No One Laughs At Your Joke:

Solution #1
Wait a beat and then say "Awkward" in a sing-songy fashion to generate a cheap laugh.

Solution #2
Laugh at your own joke and feel the awkwardness grow exponentially.

Solution #3
Get pissed at everyone and leave.

Overview:
It sucks telling a joke and receiving a cricket-chirping reaction. It happens to everyone, even that funny black guy who you think is your friend even though he always calls you by the wrong name. The worst-case scenario is telling a bad joke in front of a bunch of hot girls you just met. This will assure that every girl within fifty feet of the joke perimeter will check you off their mental list of people they will never fuck. Trying to explain the joke to people just digs you deeper, so just shut your mouth until someone tells an even worse joke. The best bet is to go with solution #1. You admit that your witticism wasn't comedy genius and show off your vocal chops.

Talking Shit About Someone Behind You:

Solution #1
Pretend you are talking about another "Rebecca."

Solution #2
Act like you're joking around and give them a friendly nudge to let them know that it's alllll good.

Solution #3
Punch them in the face and run away.

Overview
Getting caught "talkin' some mad shit" is always embarrassing. It can lead to hurt feelings, sobbing and smeared mascara. The best method for avoiding a tongue lashing or possible termination is to look around for the person you are wanting to verbally beat down. Once you have confirmed their absence, begin your vitriolic rant to eager co-workers; and don't forget to include a couple "cunts" for good measure. The best solution after getting caught is probably #2, though. Friends make fun of each other, and this will only help strengthen your non-existent friendship with Rebecca.

To be fair, Rebecca is kind of a cunt.

Waving At Someone Not Waving At You:

Solution #1
Put your hand down and continue walking while mentally kicking yourself in the head.

Solution #2
Pretend you're shooing away a fly.

Solution #3
Continue waiving like a fucking maniac.

Overview:
This will happen routinely whenever you're by yourself walking to an adult bookstore or church gathering. From afar, everyone looks like someone you know, but once you realize the person joyfully waiving twenty feet away is doing so to the guy behind you, your entire day is ruined. There is no clear-cut way to assure that this never happens; other than demanding all of your friends and relatives wear matching shirts to identify themselves. Admitting defeat in the fact that no one wants to waive at you in public won't help. And, pretending to be attacked by a swarm of hornets will only add more attention to this awkward moment. So, the only way out of this is to feverishly waive like an escaped mental patient. Defecating yourself and throwing feces at onlookers might be taking it too far, though.

You Walk In On Someone In The Bathroom:

Solution #1
Slam the door immediately and never mention seeing that person in said position ever again.

Solution #2
Crack a joke about their dick and tell the rest of the party about what just happened.

Solution #3
Light something on fire.

Overview:
I hate it when I'm at a party and see a door either closed with the light off or almost closed with the light on. Normally, I'll do that hackneyed slow-open to make it easy for the potential pooper to say "Hey! I'm in here, dipshit." This is one of those instances where it is equally embarrassing for both parties involved. Attempting to relinquish the image of your buddy straining to pinch a loaf while simultaneously picking his nose is hard to erase from your brain, and not making eye contact will only mitigate the relationship. Cracking a joke might help temper the moment, but it can only do so much. For this scenario, the only solution is to find something close by and light it on fire. By the time the fire department comes to put out the burning house, everyone will have forgotten about the awkwardness and just want to beat you with a pillowcase full of syringes.

A small oil fire can change the topic of any conversation.

Becoming Lost And Having To Turn Around:

Solution #1
Pull out your cell phone, act like you just read a text message, then turn around.

Solution #2
Circle the earth until you arrive at your destination.

Solution #3
Preform an impromptu spinning dance move and continue walking casually in the other direction.

Overview:
I see this happen to people more than any of the previous situations. It's the most common social faux pas. You could venture in the same direction until you have made your way around the world without having to turn around, but you just don't have the stamina nor the kayaking skills needed to pull off a 'round-the-world trek. Breaking into a succinct dance could lead to further embarrassment due to your lack of experience in the dance trade and fair pigmentation. The best contrivance is to do what we all do when faced with this dilemma: Pretend to use your cell phone as if one of your friends just told you that the meeting place had changed to the opposite direction you were going. Just like Sex Panther, 60% of the time it works, every time.


I hope these disadvantageous pragmatic tips will help you conquer awkwardness in your everyday life. There may not always be a solution that leaves you unscathed from social woes, but at least it might help in making you come off as less of a persona non grata in society (save the kitchen fire). Just try not to walk in on your parents having sex. There's no solution for that; other than immediate suicide.