Thursday, September 23, 2010

No. 128 "Places That Should Be Open After Midnight."

Oftentimes while I'm out drinking with my buddies, (or one of my friends and several of his lame friends) I feel the urge to venture somewhere other than a seedy strip club or suburban house party. The only problem is, that most gratifying venues close after midnight. Growing up, my dad always told me that nothing good ever happens after midnight. Obviously, he has never gone out with reckless or adventurous people, nor experienced the breath of drunken tomfoolery. I bet he still imagines muggers and rapists hiding behind corners, waiting to steal the birthday money my grandmother gave me while using blasphemous language as they run away. Anyway, back to my point. There needs to be more fun places open once the sun goes down and the skirts come off. Here are a few ideas I've come up with.

The Zoo:
As children, the zoo is a magical place to pet see exotic animals from all over the world. This can be recaptured in your twenties, while twelve shots deep. Most zoos close up shop around 6 PM, which is unfortunate because most of the cool animals come out at night. No one gives a shit about a bunch of birds or geckos; we want to see animals that could single handily rampage a Bar Mitzvah. Imagine visiting the zoo late at night with a bottle of whiskey. None of the employees would be there to yell at you, so it could be a free-for-all. Riding giraffes throughout the park bareback, boxing kangaroos and feeding gazelles to the lions. What fun it could be.

The Library:
Otherwise known as the poor man's internet. The library can be a fun place when you're drunk, especially when you're surrounded by your dipshit buddies. There is a bounty of books in the library for you to make fun of. Whether its a double entendre title or a silly name of an author, everything becomes hilarious when you're loaded. E.E. Cummings? I wonder if his sister's name is B.J. Jizzings! You could also harass the nerds busy laboring on term papers and projects on a Friday night. Harass all you want, nerds have weak arms.

Whenever I'm at the mall, after I hit on high school chicks I make sure to stop at Brookstone. I usually feign interest in smaller items while the employees are watching me, then hit the massage chairs once the large woman of color gets off the chair after thirty fucking minutes. They also have nifty gadgets to break play with. Just picture the fun you could have at Brookstone with all these futuristic gizmos. Anything that stimulates the sober mind is tripled in awesomeness once alcohol is involved. I heard they even have a hover board.

This is my favorite hair salon for three reasons: general cheapness, adequate magazine selection, and they don't fuck up my hair 70% of the time. Impromptu haircuts are very popular among degenerate bar hounds; but the end result is rarely becoming the next morning. A Supercuts that is open late at night could solve this problem. While waiting for your haircut, you can point out girls you want to bang in the latest issue of US Weekly, and you won't look like Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element once your stylist is finished.

Car Dealerships:
What is more fun than barreling a Ferrari down the highway going 120 miles per hour with a salesman frantically calling the police from his dealership-issued cell phone? Car dealerships are basically go-kart rentals, and the city limits is the track. All you have to do is pretend to be interested in a specific sports vehicle, mock up some false credit reports and bank statements; then you're off to the races. After you crash the car through the dealership entrance you can sober up with complimentary doughnuts and coffee.

Generally, museums are pretty boring. But, I once saw this movie where the artifacts and dinosaurs came to life; I think it was called Ben Stiller Gets Drunk At Work And Fights A T-Rex.
And that had to be based on a true story. There would be countless cultures to explore and mock. Not only would you be acquiring information about the vast history of our world, but also learn camping tips from cavemen and beat the shit out of Redcoats. And afterward you could get high on peyote with a bunch of Indians.

Chuck E. Cheese:
Most of us haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese since the age of twelve. But, that doesn't mean it can't still be a blast. From the outdated arcade games to the ball pit filled with mono and chicken pox; the fun is endless at Chuck E. Cheese. I also think that kids should be allowed in past midnight. This way, you could gain a sense of accomplishment after dominating some snot-nosed eight year-old at Whack A Mole, then ridicule him until he runs to his mommy in a heap of tears. And once you get hungry, everyone can sit down for a traditional gourmet Italian meal.

The Opera
The Opera is an elegant abode for cultured individuals to take part in the majesty of libretto coupled with classical music, costumes and caviar. Basically, a place where drunk morons should be excluded; and that is what makes it so great. Offending pompous aristocrats with fart noises and dick jokes is an experience all should engage in at least once. The Galiliean binoculars can help you in your effort to check out that cougar's juggs from across the theater. And, if you grow weary, your group can always jump on stage to reenact scenes from your favorite Rob Schneider films.

You see, late-night activities can be much more entertaining if these added places were open past midnight. Our choices for drunken entertainment are deficient, and I believe opening more businesses will help stimulate our rotten economy. But, the be safe we should give this idea a test run in Mexico; where all deranged ideas are implemented. There should be more places to spend our hard-earned money recklessly than bars, whore houses and Denny's. Plus, you can't get away with wrestling a shark or making a small child cry when you're sober.


Denise said...

bed bath and beyond, because half the fun of being drunk is laying there for a minute with your head spinning and being in someone elses bed, why not give everyone the chance to be in someone elses bed?

Sara said...

Sea World.

So many good whale jokes about fat bitches.

Paddy 233 said...

@Denise Plus they have that remote control that you can time travel with.

@Sara How could I forget Sea World!? I wish I lived in CA.

orion said...

What about an amusement park like Six Flags or Disneyland? So much better without all the crying kids.

Bretsyboo said...

you posted this while I was on vacation, so I didn't really get a chance to read it. Then, just now I was going through my reader, and came across this, and thought, "Holy crap! I still haven't read this!" But I don't have time right now, because I'm going to play a video game, and that is more important. However, I wanted to write you a comment because I support you man. Regardless, please take several weeks to post again so that I eventually do end up reading this. I am sure it's will give me quite the chuckle. Therefore, in advance: "Ha Ha! I have had many similar experiences, only mine involved sock puppets and photographs of my mom when she was young! Well done again sir!"

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