No. 32 "Fighting Techniques."

Every once in a while a douche bag will come around and want to kick your ass, but instead of trying to fight back, you should do these things...

Tell him a joke.
No one can resist a good laugh. So, once they are about to beat your face in, tell them a funny joke that you heard earlier in the week. This will distract them and if it's funny they're forget about beating your ass and you both can go out for a milkshake. (Warning: Do not tell black jokes to black people.)

Offer him a joint.
"Hey how about instead of fighting, we smoke this joint and then beat up some Asian kids?" No one can turn down a doobie, and everyone loves beating up Asians. (Ha ha just kidding, my mom is Asian… actually she isn't, but you know what it'd be like.)

There's a bear behind you!
Right before they're about to lay you out, tell them that there's a bear behind them. No one likes being mauled by bears. Who cares if you live in Phoenix and there have never been bears there. Once they realize that there is no bear behind them they will thank you for looking out for their safety and let you on your way.

Dance.
Instead of fighting just start dancing with them. They throw you to the ground, you spin them around and dip them. No one can resist the temptation of the salsa, and they will be impressed with your dancing skills.

Put on glasses.
No one would hit someone with glasses, that's just rude. Your bully will have no choice but to leave. Take off the glasses and put on some sunglasses. Now you're cool.

Fall asleep.
Right before the fight starts lay down and go to sleep. No one will beat up someone who's sleeping. Your fight-ee will leave, and you can wake up well rested and un-beat up.

Gun.
If any of these don't work, just shoot them in the stomach. It will scare them and girls will flock to you because guns are badass. Walk off with just an attempted murder charge instead of a black eye.

Overall, none of these things will work, it will probably just make them madder and beat you even harder. The best way to win a fight is to watch some tae-boe videos or have black friends.