Wednesday, August 17, 2011

No. 135 "Back To School List."

It's that time of the year again, back to school season. Before the summer comes to a consecrated close remember to frantically work out for three days to attain that six pack you told everyone you would attain, break up with that clingy girlfriend who you met at Applebees and to sign up for the remaining available classes at the last minute (Women's Studies? Sounds like a great way to meet hostile lesbians chicks!) But, before you pack up and head back to College Town, USA, you must purchase back to school items. Here are a few ingredients to assure a great new semester:

Credit Card:
Otherwise known as free money. So what if your mom cancelled her card that you would "accidentally" borrow whenever you made a trip back home? It's about time you grow up and obtain a credit card of your own. 39% interest rate? What a deal! Having a credit card allows you to buy necessary items every college student requires; like slip-and-slides and remote control helicopters.

Useful for making sex less pleasurable and preventing babies from coming out of your long term girlfriend that fat girl you banged in your Prius. For those not good at sex; just scatter a handful of these jizz balloons across your desk to hoodwink guests into believing you're a Casanova.

Duct Tape:
You can use duct tape to fix just about everything, as long as you want it to look like shit. When not repairing broken lamps or limbs, you can use it to wrap your passed out roommate to his bed before you leave for the weekend.

Hunting Knife:
You don't have to live in the wild or attend Montana University (like Montana has a University, ha!) to brandish a hunting knife. Carrying a knife on you will establish a "tough guy" demeanor and persuade your professor into giving you an extension on your term paper. Also, to "kill" time between classes, you can stab hobos.

Expensive Electronics:
Use that newly minted credit card to treat yourself to some fancy integrated circuitry. These are perfect to show off to your friends until they are broken or stolen a week later.

I bet you can't wait to throw your remote control into me!

It can get quite cold in many apartments and dorms during the fall, so being able to curl up, find your most comfortable chair and use your many leather bound books to fuel a bonfire will prove very propitious come November. Until then, you can display your "nerd magazines" on your DVD rack to impress girls with glasses.

A Bunch Of Shit From IKEA:
Those user-friendly directions will be useful when you decide to put together your coffee table while knee deep in a plastic bottle of vodka. Also, your peers will think you are stylish and utopian since you decided not to adorn your living room with "gently used" furniture from The Salvation Army this year.

Attempt originality and buy posters that will make your bare walls stand out. Bob Marley, Salvador Dali, and Victoria's Secret model #762 will assure visitors of your unique and refined tastes.

AXE Body Spray:
This is a multi-tool in a spray bottle. It can be used as: Cologne, Insect Repellant, Deodorant, Burrito Induced Fart Concealer, Mace, or Flamethrower. It's a regular college Swiss Army Knife.

Also works as an attractive woman repellant!

Draw ironic mustaches on your hand so you can look like a fucking moron in pictures. Also, they can be used to draw dicks on people. Tons and tons of dicks.

Not for taking notes or printing out essays. That's what computers and free library access are for. Rather, the majority of paper you use will be for passive aggressive notes to your roommates about missing Hot Pockets and eleventh-hour toilet paper.

Running Shoes:
These will be used during your first week back until you realize that drinking beer and playing Xbox is much more fun than inclined jogging next to hot girls who give you dirty looks for looking at their finely sculpted asses. Instead, spray paint your cross-fit sneakers black and use them as dress shoes for job interviews you'll never go to.

Having Tylenol, Emergen-C and your Valtrex prescription on hand will be vital when all of the stores in your area have closed and you are in dire need. As for illegal drugs: It's college, do whatever you want! Do not smoke, snort or anally inject anything into your body, as it will create irreversible damage to you and disappoint your parents who love you dearly. Live above the influence.

Bike Lock:
Commuting to class can be a hassle with smelly public transportation and near nonexistent parking spots. A bike is an environmentally friendly way to get to and fro class without looking like a tool on a longboard. But, to make sure your $70 Huffy doesn't get jacked by a gang of troubled middle schoolers, a bike lock is necessary. Although in my experience, a bike lock is just an auxiliary strap to hold your your bicycle in place while it is beaten with large rocks.

My bike, Freshman year.

You're another year older, and even though you haven't given up on your binge drinking, you want to take a step in the mature direction and drink out of fine glassware instead of beer pong cups. Have fun stepping on broken glass every week and eventually returning to the unbreakable and indispensable red Dixie plastic cup after all of your pint glasses and champagne flutes have been destroyed.

Now you're ready to get back in the swing of things at your university/community college/trade school. Remember that school comes first, and to always show up for your classes at least five minutes early to have a brief conversation with your professor. If he refuses to let you retake the midterm, show your hunting knife as well as a few well rehearsed stabbing motions. Be creative, and see how many different shapes and sizes you can draw phalli on your fellow students' faces. And, always pay the minimum payment on your credit card.

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