Tuesday, August 9, 2011

No. 134 "Everyday Items."

Look around your house, apartment or shanty and you'll find a myriad of items dispersed across your place. Most of these items are used just about every day. But, their uses change when you transition from childhood to adulthood to mid-life crisis. Here are a few examples of such:

Age 8: Daddy's punching juice.
Age 19: Virginity remover.
Age 40: Suicide prevent-er.

Van With No Windows
Age 8: Stranger Danger.
Age 19: Clam-bake mobile.
Age 40: Vehicle to pick up unsuspecting children.

Each 1994 Ford E-250 comes with three pounds of individually wrapped candy.

Tabasco Sauce
Age 8: Tummy ache inducer.
Age 19: Mace.
Age 40: Taken with a Zantac 75.

Age 8: Cook/Maid/Boo boo healer.
Age 19: Blow job machine.
Age 40: The devil.

Age 8: Untimely death.
Age 19: Awesome bedazzled t-shirt destroyer.
Age 40: Dead hooker crime scene cleaning agent.

Shower Head
Age 8: Microphone/light saber.
Age 19: Masturbation aid.
Age 40: Provisional power washer.

Canola Oil
Age 8: Gross Canadian drink.
Age 19: Makeshift sexual lubricant.
Age 40: Flammable liquid used to burn ex-wife's house down.

75% cheaper than Astroglide!

Age 8: Slumber party weapon of choice.
Age 19: Remove pillow case to create slapdash suitcase.
Age 40: Mother-in-law smother-er/inheritance subsidizer.

Vacuum Cleaner
Age 8: Pet terrorize-er.
Age 19: Not Applicable.
Age 40: Girlfriend.

Disposable Shaving Razor
Age 8: Mommy's mustache remover.
Age 19: Accidental throat cutter.
Age 40: Hobo beard prevent-er.

Age 8: Fun toy.
Age 19: Everyday apparatus/item lost almost daily.
Age 40: Temporary flashlight.

Cardboard Box
Age 8: Spaceship/race car/fort.
Age 19: Porn collection storage unit.
Age 40: Eviction/pink slip container.

This can turn into a spaceship at any age with the use of hallucinogenics.

Age 8: Sword.
Age 19: Drunken baton.
Age 40: Burglar beater.

Age 8: Useful tool for shoddy arts and crafts.
Age 19: Pubic hair sculptor.
Age 40: Creepy mustache trimmer.

Age 8: Something a woman makes for you.
Age 19: Something a woman makes for you.
Age 40: Something you make yourself.

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