Wednesday, August 25, 2010

No. 126 "Turning A One Night Stand Into A Relationship."

We all enjoy one night stands. They're uncomplicated no-strings-attached boinkings based on momentary or alcohol-induced attraction. There are certainly a fair share of these that should end the next morning, or in some cumbersome situations; directly after coitus. But, intermittently a cosmic spark is felt, and one night is not enough. You want to expand the relationship past the morning. Here's how to do that:

Stare At Her While She Sleeps
This will be a loving way for her to awake from your evening of emotionless and orgasm-free sex. She may act freaked out at first, but a gentle caress of her cheek and whisper of sweet nothingness will cure that initial response. If she calls you a weirdo, its just the beginning of the feisty rapport the two of you are creating.

Breakfast In Bed
There's nothing more romantic than a freshly prepared breakfast in bed. If you don't have a proper serving tray, just throw everything on that piece of plywood you use to catch excess oil from your car. When thinking of a dish for your mate, go for something original like fried Lucky Charms. Once you extinguish the grease fire in your kitchen, call McDonalds and have a couple sausage Mcmuffins delivered.

Texting
After your soon-to-be significant other flees leaves your home, you don't want her to forget about you; so use the power of technology to keep your bond deep. Forget about banal texts like "Last night was fun, we should hang out again." That's just prosaic. Instead try: "I'm writing a poem about you right now," "Do you want to meet my mom?," or "You... You complete me. Lol" If this is met with a disquieting response, just pretend you were trying to text someone else.

Show Up Unannounced
Find out through friends where she lives, and then trick her apartment manager into letting you into her place. While waiting for her to return from shoe shopping, scatter rose petals across the hallway and help yourself to anything in the fridge; you could be waiting a while. Once she returns home, sneak up on her and pretend to be a murderer. Girls love a guy with a sense of humor.

Facebook
The internet is an boundless medium for social interaction and expressing your feelings publicly. First, change your relationship status to "In a relationship," then update your status to "I think I met The One." From there you can create a photo album simply titled "♥" consisting only of pictures you took of her from afar while she was jogging earlier that day. She will log onto her Facebook and be overwhelmed with affection.

Jealousy
Chicks dig guys that fight for their love, so you should do the same. Sucker punch any male that attempts to initiate a conversation with her, including her uncle in a wheelchair. This will prove to her your commitment, and show off your awesome punching skills. Don't worry if Uncle George stops moving; he's an over-reactor and just trying to get attention.

Mix Tape
It sounds corny, but can pay off big if constructed properly. She probably has an iPod full of songs she already enjoys, so create a playlist full of your favorite tracks. This could range from death metal to Aboriginal tribal chants. It will expand her musical horizons and there is no way she'll throw it away. Especially after its explained that you spent three hours designing a sweet CD cover with a photoshopped picture of the two of you canoodling on a beach in Fiji.

Save Her Life
This will be your last-ditch effort to win her heart. If action movies have taught us anything, its that once you save a damsel in distress you'll have her forever. Start by cutting her brakes while she is at work. Then, follow her in an unmarked van as she gets onto the freeway. As soon as she begins to swerve uncontrollably, steer your stolen van in front of her to prevent a crash. Heroically rescue her from the near-accident and attend to any cuts or bruises. She will have no choice but to become your girlfriend. And if she perishes in a fiery wreck, there are always plenty of fish in the sea.

If I'm trying to express one sentiment in this post, its to be subtle. Sure, there are copious amounts of one night stands that go by the wayside without emotion or returned texts. But, when you get that feeling deep in the bowels of your soul, you have to take action in order to ascertain a meaningful relationship. And chicks say guys aren't romantic...

16 comments:

Bretsyboo said...

i posted this in the 20sb chat room. Thus i gave you something like 3 readers, and one even said, "Heh. I liked the last one." I'll bill you later.

Paddy 233 said...

Haha thanks Bretsyboo. Do you accept gently-used Monopoly money?

pomegranate101 said...

Your blog was in my reader. Thought you'd be one of those self acclaimed casanova's, but really thought your post was hilarious.

I'll saving lives doesn't have to be just for women, you could get a apartment anywhere with that type of talent.

Denise said...

you... you complete me.

As long as you're on the subject of subtlety why not go ahead and get the tattoo? I mean, if she sees that she's left a permanent mark on your arm she'll want to leave on your heart as well.

Paddy 233 said...

@pomegranate101 Nope, not the casanova type. I'm too self deprecating for that. Glad you liked it!

@Denise Or maybe take it a step even further and brand her name into your flesh. Pretty sure they don't have laser removal for that.

Stephanie Ann said...

I love this post! Actually, I have experience something similar to this. At first, I thought he was just messing with me. Soon though, I realized he was batshit kuh-razy! And if he wasn't so hot, that would have been a serious problem.

theTsaritsa said...

You should change the title of this into "Turning a one-night-stand into a stalking experience." Haha! I liked it, though :)

Hotcakes said...

love this

Paddy 233 said...

@Stephanie that is usually the problem. Why can't hot people be sane as well?

@theTsaritsa That is probably a more appropriate title.

@Hotcakes Thanks!

Bretsyboo said...

I WOULD accept monopoly money. you see, many years ago my sister was playing monopoly on the floor with her friends, and didn't clean it up for days at a time. My dog, seeing this, needing to poop, and not wanting to get in trouble decided to very carefully poop in the one dollar bill slot. After hours of smelling, searching, and not finding the poop we finally discovered it all over our one dollar bills which were then trashed.

You think while you are playing that they are worthless. you wish you didn't even need the stupid ones, however I can't even begin to express to you how many times I wish I had those things over the years. or the amount of times I've laughed at him choosing the ones to take a two.

Paddy 233 said...

@Bret I hope it was a log and not a liquid-based poo. If it was the latter, the game would be tarnished forever.

Paige said...

um i fucking loved this. new stalker right hurrr...

Sara said...

Well I really liked this, but then I saw that Bret liked it too and now I'm not sure if I can keep liking it because Bret is kind of a dick sometimes.

But he did say that small boobs are okay sometimes so I guess I'll cut him a break and keep loving your blog.

Jing said...

I love it. Why isn't this a Wikipedia page yet? I'm pretty sure they go over this in every freshman intro class in college... It definitely describes the mindset of many guys at Georgia Tech haha.

Lizzie said...

Anyone who makes me a mix tape is totally getting years of devotion out of me.

Megan said...

I almost died while reading this out loud to my cousin. True story.

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