Wednesday, March 31, 2010

No. 108 "Bucket List 3."

A couple years ago a unforgettable movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman came out. The film was called The Bucket List, and was about two old fucks doing a bunch of random shit before they croaked. Since I will probably end up perishing in the next 2-5 years from either liver cirrhosis, wounds sustained from axe fighting, or tripping into a volcano, I've decided to come up with a list of my own. So for the third time, I've compiled a list of activities I'd like to accomplish before my liver fails while I'm axe fighting over a volcano. Check out the first two here and here.

Take A Stranger's Car:
You see this all the time in action movies from the 1990's. The protagonist is chasing some minority bad guy across a busy street and then wrecks his car and has to get another one quick. I am not exactly sure about the legalities involved in stealing another person's car in order to catch a criminal, but I'm almost positive that if you flash a badge or gun, people will comply very easily. So next time I run out of gas, or just get bored driving around my piece of shit car, I'll jump into the freeway and flash my Cub Scout badge at an Escalade and then pretend to chase someone.

Give An Inspiring Locker Room Speech:
In order to give a speech to a group on young athletes, I'll need to become a coach of some sort. That could take days or even weeks, so I would be better suited impersonating a coach. Once I knock out the coach and hide his body Jack Bauer style I will masquerade as a substitute coach. After coaching horribly during the first half, I'll tell the team to take a knee and then wait ten Mississippi's before beginning my heartfelt speech. My speech will include several buzz words to get the guys going. Pride, sacrifice, heart, effort, and passion. Hell, I'll even add Jesus into the mix. My players will be so inspired that they will give their all, and only end up losing the game by four touchdowns.

Become Excepted Into An African American Only Gang:
Now this one is gonna be tough. Not only am I as white as they come, I also have little to no street cred to speak of. But, that won't stop me from becoming a respected Crip and/or Blood. I'll start off by attending one of their weekly meetings at a city boardroom or wherever they go to handle business matters. I will then hand over my resume and answer any questions from the board members. I recently read an article in Time magazine on how to nail a job interview, so I will be fully prepared. Soon enough, I will be initiated into the gang and receive many awards, merit badges and bandannas. I may even learn the complicated multi-step handshake/hug I see black guys doing, but always fuck up.

Notify Someone That They're Too Late:
There's a variety of different ways I can do this. Most of them involve me being a heartless bad guy. I could be a tyrant king attempting to marry a woman who is in love with a peasant boy, and by the time he comes to rescue her, the marriage documents would have already been signed. I would stand next to my new wife, maniacally laugh, then say "It's too late! Guards, take him away!" Or I could be a kidnapper of some sort, who gives a rogue police officer a time limit before I start executing hostages. "You're too late, Bruce Willis-type character! All the hostages have perished! Now you must live with their blood on your hands while I escape to some island in the Caribbean." Yeah, something like that.

Offer My Daughter's Boyfriend Money To Leave Her:
I'll have to do this once I'm older and have a daughter. She will fall in love with someone from the other side of the tracks that isn't accepted into our society of the rich and posh. "He's not one of us!" I'll say, but to no avail. I'll attempt to convince her not to be with him anymore by framing him in thefts or tricking her into thinking he has been cheating on her. These attempts with fail, and I'll have to sit him down in my mansion library and try to pay him off to leave my daughter. While drinking a glass of scotch on the rocks in my custom made smoking jacket, I'll hand him a check for a million dollars. He will take the money, and leave my daughter alone. Once he's gone, I'll immediately call my banker and have him cancel the check, then pour myself another glass of twenty year old scotch.

Jump From Roof To Roof:
There are a couple different reasons for jumping from one roof to another. One could be while pursuing a criminal on foot. This instance is a bit harder, and may need to include a couple of practice runs before finally jumping once your friends won't stop berating you and calling you a pussy. The other would be while testing out newly attained super powers. I'm not sure how I will attain these powers, whether it be by some scientific mishap or just realizing it 23 years late. Either way, jumping from one building to the next will be a grand time. Well, unless I trip and plummet to my eventual messy death. Then it will blow.

Punch A Reporter:
Reporters can be very obnoxious, and aren't afraid to ask tough questions. Some are even down right evil, and will do anything to land the lead on the 5 O'clock news that no one under 65 watches anyway. I'm not exactly sure when or why I will be punching a reporter (presumably in the face and/or gut,) but I know it will be awesome. There will be a large crowd surrounding me, and once I knock out Patti Kirkpatrick or whoever is asking me the wrong question at the wrong time, the crowd will applaud me and I will say a clever comment I had written previously for such an event.

Make It Rain On Multiple Hoes:
I was at a gentleman's establishment recently, learning about the female anatomy, when a large man of color walked up to the stage and started throwing currency at one of the female employees. She seemed to enjoy this, as she was making her rear end convulse as he continued to throw money at her in a slapping manner. I wanted to be this man. But, to make it truly rain, and save money, I will sneak into the club and hide in the air vent. From there I will start dropping pounds of pennies all over the dancers and club patrons. It will seem as if it is actually raining, and I won't have to break the bank on expensive George Washington's.

Start A Relationship Off With A Lie:
Just about every romantic comedy I have seen is the same: Boy meets girl. Boy doesn't tell girl about something in order to further the relationship. Bitch flips out. Boy pleads his case. Bitch doesn't care. Boy spends an inordinate amount of time, effort and money to win her back. Boy and girl get back together and either get married or have babies. The End. I want to meet a nice girl, sweep her off her feet and then tell her a huge lie. I could say that I'm dying in 6 months and I have never boinked a girl in the butt, and wish to fulfill this goal with her. Or, that my religion insists on me having multiple girlfriends. Instead of telling her the truth and having to go through all the turmoil dudes in chick flicks suffer, I'll just move on once she finds out that I'm a liar, and overall horrible human being.

Alas, those are a few new goals I wish to accomplish over the coming years. It will be difficult to impersonate a high school football coach, gain superpowers, and become an evil villain with my busy schedule of sleeping and watching reality television, but I am convinced that all the above are entirely possible. With a little luck, magic, and lies, anything you set your mind to is possible. Except rubik's cubes, those fuckers are impossible.

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