No. 108 "Bucket List 3."

A couple years ago a unforgettable movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman came out. The film was called The Bucket List, and was about two old fucks doing a bunch of random shit before they croaked. Since I will probably end up perishing in the next 2-5 years from either liver cirrhosis, wounds sustained from axe fighting, or tripping into a volcano, I've decided to come up with a list of my own. So for the third time, I've compiled a list of activities I'd like to accomplish before my liver fails while I'm axe fighting over a volcano. Check out the first two here and here.

Take A Stranger's Car:
You see this all the time in action movies from the 1990's. The protagonist is chasing some minority bad guy across a busy street and then wrecks his car and has to get another one quick. I am not exactly sure about the legalities involved in stealing another person's car in order to catch a criminal, but I'm almost positive that if you flash a badge or gun, people will comply very easily. So next time I run out of gas, or just get bored driving around my piece of shit car, I'll jump into the freeway and flash my Cub Scout badge at an Escalade and then pretend to chase someone.

Give An Inspiring Locker Room Speech:
In order to give a speech to a group on young athletes, I'll need to become a coach of some sort. That could take days or even weeks, so I would be better suited impersonating a coach. Once I knock out the coach and hide his body Jack Bauer style I will masquerade as a substitute coach. After coaching horribly during the first half, I'll tell the team to take a knee and then wait ten Mississippi's before beginning my heartfelt speech. My speech will include several buzz words to get the guys going. Pride, sacrifice, heart, effort, and passion. Hell, I'll even add Jesus into the mix. My players will be so inspired that they will give their all, and only end up losing the game by four touchdowns.

Become Excepted Into An African American Only Gang:
Now this one is gonna be tough. Not only am I as white as they come, I also have little to no street cred to speak of. But, that won't stop me from becoming a respected Crip and/or Blood. I'll start off by attending one of their weekly meetings at a city boardroom or wherever they go to handle business matters. I will then hand over my resume and answer any questions from the board members. I recently read an article in Time magazine on how to nail a job interview, so I will be fully prepared. Soon enough, I will be initiated into the gang and receive many awards, merit badges and bandannas. I may even learn the complicated multi-step handshake/hug I see black guys doing, but always fuck up.

Notify Someone That They're Too Late:
There's a variety of different ways I can do this. Most of them involve me being a heartless bad guy. I could be a tyrant king attempting to marry a woman who is in love with a peasant boy, and by the time he comes to rescue her, the marriage documents would have already been signed. I would stand next to my new wife, maniacally laugh, then say "It's too late! Guards, take him away!" Or I could be a kidnapper of some sort, who gives a rogue police officer a time limit before I start executing hostages. "You're too late, Bruce Willis-type character! All the hostages have perished! Now you must live with their blood on your hands while I escape to some island in the Caribbean." Yeah, something like that.

Offer My Daughter's Boyfriend Money To Leave Her:
I'll have to do this once I'm older and have a daughter. She will fall in love with someone from the other side of the tracks that isn't accepted into our society of the rich and posh. "He's not one of us!" I'll say, but to no avail. I'll attempt to convince her not to be with him anymore by framing him in thefts or tricking her into thinking he has been cheating on her. These attempts with fail, and I'll have to sit him down in my mansion library and try to pay him off to leave my daughter. While drinking a glass of scotch on the rocks in my custom made smoking jacket, I'll hand him a check for a million dollars. He will take the money, and leave my daughter alone. Once he's gone, I'll immediately call my banker and have him cancel the check, then pour myself another glass of twenty year old scotch.

Jump From Roof To Roof:
There are a couple different reasons for jumping from one roof to another. One could be while pursuing a criminal on foot. This instance is a bit harder, and may need to include a couple of practice runs before finally jumping once your friends won't stop berating you and calling you a pussy. The other would be while testing out newly attained super powers. I'm not sure how I will attain these powers, whether it be by some scientific mishap or just realizing it 23 years late. Either way, jumping from one building to the next will be a grand time. Well, unless I trip and plummet to my eventual messy death. Then it will blow.

Punch A Reporter:
Reporters can be very obnoxious, and aren't afraid to ask tough questions. Some are even down right evil, and will do anything to land the lead on the 5 O'clock news that no one under 65 watches anyway. I'm not exactly sure when or why I will be punching a reporter (presumably in the face and/or gut,) but I know it will be awesome. There will be a large crowd surrounding me, and once I knock out Patti Kirkpatrick or whoever is asking me the wrong question at the wrong time, the crowd will applaud me and I will say a clever comment I had written previously for such an event.

Make It Rain On Multiple Hoes:
I was at a gentleman's establishment recently, learning about the female anatomy, when a large man of color walked up to the stage and started throwing currency at one of the female employees. She seemed to enjoy this, as she was making her rear end convulse as he continued to throw money at her in a slapping manner. I wanted to be this man. But, to make it truly rain, and save money, I will sneak into the club and hide in the air vent. From there I will start dropping pounds of pennies all over the dancers and club patrons. It will seem as if it is actually raining, and I won't have to break the bank on expensive George Washington's.

Start A Relationship Off With A Lie:
Just about every romantic comedy I have seen is the same: Boy meets girl. Boy doesn't tell girl about something in order to further the relationship. Bitch flips out. Boy pleads his case. Bitch doesn't care. Boy spends an inordinate amount of time, effort and money to win her back. Boy and girl get back together and either get married or have babies. The End. I want to meet a nice girl, sweep her off her feet and then tell her a huge lie. I could say that I'm dying in 6 months and I have never boinked a girl in the butt, and wish to fulfill this goal with her. Or, that my religion insists on me having multiple girlfriends. Instead of telling her the truth and having to go through all the turmoil dudes in chick flicks suffer, I'll just move on once she finds out that I'm a liar, and overall horrible human being.

Alas, those are a few new goals I wish to accomplish over the coming years. It will be difficult to impersonate a high school football coach, gain superpowers, and become an evil villain with my busy schedule of sleeping and watching reality television, but I am convinced that all the above are entirely possible. With a little luck, magic, and lies, anything you set your mind to is possible. Except rubik's cubes, those fuckers are impossible.

No. 100 "Benign Minutia X."

Wanna make someone awkward? While taking a piss, stare at the guy next to you in the eyes until he notices you and gets very uncomfortable, or punches you square in the nose.

ATTN Chex Mix Makers: There is no need to include pretzels in your mixture. There is a perfect place for pretzels already. Its called the trash can.

Are all administrators post-menopausal overweight women with glasses and short haircuts?


I was listening to the radio the other day because my Sony mini-disc player was broken. While listening to a station that plays the same fourteen songs on repeat, the jive talkin' disc jockey announced that he had received numerous requests for him to play a Lady GaGa track. Really? People aren't hearing enough of him/her/it that they actually call up and request more? This country is doomed.

ATTN Fat Chicks: Stop posting close up pictures as your Facebook profile pics and tricking me into thinking you are cute until three seconds later when I click on you pictures and realize you are actually overweight. The jig is up, fatties!

Ways to let your girlfriend know she's getting fat: Point out an old picture of her when she was skinny, buy her horizontal striped shirts, compliment her fitter friends on their physiques, lock her in the gym so she will be forced to work out, put constipation pills in her food, break up with her and date her sister.

Bank tellers are so nice and friendly to you, until you start joking about guns and getaway vehicles. Jeez, no one can take a joke these days.

Since they already have For Her Pleasure condoms they should make For His Pleasure condoms. Actually, never mind, they already have them. Its called "Not wearing a condom in the first place." Or, "Telling her you put on a condom, but lying."

I can't wait until I have kids so I can always be right. And even if I'm wrong and they prove it so, I will be bigger and stronger than them for a while so they will eventually agree with me after the beatings.

ATTN T9: "Pussy" should be the first choice, not "puppy." I guarantee more people text about pussy than adorable puppies. Even your mom.

Apparently, if one uses Touch of Gray Men's hair treatment your chances of banging coworkers or lady interviewers triples.

I am such a good friend that even when I need to piss like a race horse, I wait for my friend to finish their long winded story before I announce my departure to unload my urine.

No. 97 "Benign Minutia IX."

Attention all Women: Whenever one of us guys gets a naked picture we beg you to send to us, our first reaction is to show it to any of our buddies within a one mile radius.

How does one inquire in getting the nick name "Mad Dogg?" Must one do something very crazy or just be angry all the time? I gotta know. Also, the two 'G's" are essential. Thanks.

92% of all cooking related injuries happen after 2am while coming home from the bar hungry as fuck drunk cooking. The most common of which is throwing a pizza in the oven and then passing out as your home catches on fire.

The easiest way to tell that you get bored far too often and you are a male: When you haven't missed an ESPN.com poll is 6 months.

Thank God for Jersey Shore. It is my new favorite bar conversation starter with chicks and random people. Everyone has an opinion on whether or not Snooki is a midget or just a very small person.

You should get a refund if you get home and your sandwich has fucking tomatoes on it, even if you asked for extra tomatoes. Those things are disgusting.

Why does my dog never recognize the other dogs I point out that look like him on television?

They should make a "Not Invited" section for Facebook events. The people included could get a notification so they know where they stand with you. I would add every person I dislike that still happens to be my Facebook friend, my mom, The Jonas Brothers, anyone that has ever read or watched Twilight and every motherfucker from my high school.

Holding your cell phone two feet directly above your head always assures much better service.

Whenever I see a dead animal on the side of the road I always hope its a cat. That's what you get for running away every time I try to pet you. Fucking pussies.

If you ever catch one of your roommates coming out of the bathroom with their laptop, don't believe them when they try to explain they were working on a paper or reading an enlightening ebook. They were whacking it.

I feel bad for red headed children whose parents split up and mother just recently got remarried.

No. 91 "Benign Minutia VIII."

Back with some more menoosh. Hope ya'll enjoy.

-I have a feeling that the increasing number of younger women getting married has something to do with their love for using the word "hubby."

-I was watching "Jersey Shore," earlier today and I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what nationality these find people are. I wish they would mention it at least once, or have some sort of tattoo, color scheme or necklace to give me a hint. I'm going with Cuban since they all have Scarface posters.

-Technically, people that live in apartments are homeless.

-I love going through the "people you may know" section on Facebook. Its just full of people, who I do know, but choose not to request friendship from. My favorite part, though, is looking at the profiles of the ugly/fat/gross people from high school and seeing the schmucks they tricked into marrying them or having a child with. Its a fun game to play.

-Whenever you put the word Brazilian before another word, it sounds much better: Brazilian steakhouse, Brazilian wax, Brazilian genocide. Well, maybe not the last one.

-You know you're not rolling in the dough when you are out at a restaurant with friends and someone orders a batch of onion rings. You don't take even one because you do not want to have to go "halfsies" on the appetizer bill.

-If you hear a girl's phone alarm go off during the day you best believe she is D.T.F. Time to take that B.C., H.O.

-Playing "Never Have I Ever" with a new girlfriend is always nerve wrecking and awkward. Example: Never have I ever done anal. Why'd you put three fingers down? When will this game end?!

-I think a lot of emo chicks are cute, but having to put inch wide holes in my ears, cut my hair while blind folded and wear beanies in the summer is so not worth it to win her affection.

-It's strange when you break up with a girlfriend, but still have all of her friends as your Facebook friends. You kind of liked them, but wouldn't be friends with them if you hadn't known them through her. Its like a silent friendship. You don't talk to each other since the only thing you have in common is her, and it would be just weird to delete each other.

-Essays assigned to students that had a specific number of words needed must have truly sucked before word count was invented for Microsoft Office.

-Does Dexter Morgan take requests?

-Nothing says "I've given up on dating" quite like a girl wearing sweatpants to a party.

No. 83 "Benign Minutia: Porn Edition."

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No. 81 "Ways To Tell You Live In A Shitty Neighborhood."

-The most popular spoken language is not English, even though you live in the United States.

-None of your basketball hoops have nets, and if they do, they're made out of chain.

-Unfinished or unfilled-in tattoos are quite common. But its alright, only four more payments before that naked lady tattoo is complete!

-The three luxury automobiles parked in the drive way are worth more than the house.

-Denny's is considered a nice restaurant.

-Every house has a No Trespassing or Beware of Dog sign.

-Bars around windows are quite common, and anyone that doesn't have them are laughed at and later broken into.

-The most popular sport in the area is soccer.

-You have to speak to your local convenience store guy through three inches of bullet-proof Plexiglas.

-Most houses have at least two different shopping carts in their yard from stores more than five miles away.

-There are more Whataburgers than McDonalds.

-Nobody wants to go to your mall because its the "ghetto one."

-Almost everything is chained down, even newspaper machines. Who steals that, seriously?

-"Shooting shit" is popular activity among residents, and considered by many a sport.

-People from other neighborhoods often ask you to "go back to your shanty."

-The State Fair is the biggest event of the year.

-There are more Pay-Day Loan places than banks.

-Duct tape is pretty much a part of every automobile.

-Your high school has a Day Care.

-Your middle school has a Day Care.

-Crack is your biggest export.

-All your doctors got their degrees from community colleges.

-There are more gun shops than libraries.

-NASCAR is the most popular sport.

-Your internet is in black and white.

No. 78 "Benign Minutia VII."

What kind of dinosaur was the Thesaurus? I bet he was nerd that was always reading and got bullied by the T-rexes.

Are mud flaps with silhouettes of busty women given out at every redneck's 16th birthday?

Whenever I see RIP (insert random celebrity here) as multiple statuses on Facebook I don't turn on the TV or log on to CNN.com. I just check Wikipedia. If it says they are dead then I believe it.

I only take vitamins to make my pee look cool.

Being too drunk is a great way of getting out of doing favors for friends.

Is it possible to wield something that isn't a weapon?

I hate when I go to take a shit and bring some reading material cause I know I'll be in there for a while, but then the shit only lasts like two minutes and I'm strangely disappointed because I know I won't do anymore reading until I have to use the can again.

To the best of your ability includes the nerd I'm sitting next to when taking tests, right?

I've found that putting a couple quotes by respected authors and philosophers on my Facebook makes me seem smart and cultured. Just Google some Socrates and Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes and you're set.

Beneath every emo kid is a skinny unathletic nerd and beneath that is a homosexual.

Every time I "help" my dad put something together, 95% of my tasks include handing him things and standing around.

Since the morning after pill is called Plan B, what is Plan C? Abortion? And shouldn't that be Plan A?

Having glasses and a strange haircut are essential to looking creepy. (Being Asian helps too)

No. 74 "Great Idea #1."

I just came up with this great idea! Its kind of like a bar, but instead of being able to just walk inside you have to get to wait in line for an hour while you wear clothes you hate wearing and get judged by large strangers with clipboards. Once you get in though, that's where the awesomeness really begins. Why be able to just order a drink and receive it in a timely matter when you can wait much longer and have to physically grab a bartender to put in your drink order? And instead of paying a reasonable price for a beverage you can exchange your entire paycheck for twelve ounces of imported beer. It gets better, you won't have to deal with making conversations with friends and girls because the obstreperous techno music will make it utterly impossible to communicate with anyone. Who needs air conditioning when you can sweat your balls off and breath B.O. from a variety of different people. And fuck being able to sit down or have a table, you get to stand up and get bumped into by roided-out men in bedazzled t-shirts. The women that frequent this place will be much different than any chicks in bars. They like to play a silly game where they ignore you and act rude to you because you don't drive a Mercedes. This place will also have something called a "dance floor" where one can make a fool of themselves attempting to rid the world of the stereotype that white people cannot dance.

I call this great idea a "club."

No. 69 "Benign Minutia VI."

Is there an noun that comes after "raging" that is positive?

Whenever me and a group of people order food at a drive-thru I have to be the first person to go through the bag and find my items, while doing this I always slyly steal a couple fries while no one is looking.

Why do people on boats always have to waive to onlookers? You're not in a parade, retards.

Spraying your armpits with cologne when you're out of deodorant is never an effective replacement for the real thing.

You know you're unemployed when you have to Google the date.

It is impossible to win an argument with your dad if you don't have a job. You could be arguing about the color of the sky and somehow he will still find a way to bring up the fact that you "don't have a fucking job!"

"Trying to get back in shape" and "getting back in shape" are two completely different things.

I like to change my status on Facebook to something like "going to the gym for a couple hours" just so people think I'm exercising. Even though I'm usually just napping during this period.

Has anyone ever complained about too much shrimp in their pasta?

There are certain food items that do not work with the "5 second rule." Some of them include: ice cream, salsa, cottage cheese, and pretty much anything that comes in a bowl. Once it's hit the floor, just have your dog lick it up (Their food ruling standards are a bit more lenient.)

When entering my confirm your email part of an online form I always copy and paste the first one I wrote because I'm too lazy to type twelve letters again.

Whenever I eat a Payday candy bar I wonder to myself, "This would be so much better if it were covered in chocolate."

You know you're gonna have a crazy night when you set your alarm for PM the next day.

Whenever I lie about running errands to sound busy even thought I'm just sitting at home watching TV I have to include "going to the bank." This makes people assume I'm always depositing large sums of money into my bank account.

Every guy will say "My hand is too slippery" when he really means "I'm too weak" when opening jars.

Vomiting into an ice maker is the gift that keeps on giving.

Just once I want to walk into a room and have a 90's audience do that "OoOo" and scream cat calls at me.

Most uncomfortable moment of my week: watching a Vagasil commercial while sitting next to my mother in total silence.

No. 68 "Benign Minutia V."

I have an inkling that Kelli, Jessika, and Lyndzi are not former spelling bee champions.

Whenever someone mentions a recent news story I like to follow up by saying "Yeah, I read something about that." Even though I saw it on TV.

How lazy am I? Well, after the power goes out, instead of resetting my clock, I just remember to add an extra six hours and 24 minutes to the time.

Whenever I see one of those straight billed hats that cops wear I want to just fuck it up and give it a couple sweet curves. But, I have a feeling that if I tried that while a cop was wearing it I might end up screaming "Don't taze me, bro."

There are never winners when it comes to Dungeons & Dragons.

How do you spell the letter "H?" Like the letter "A" would be "aye," "W" would be "double you." But how the fuck do you spell "H?" This will annoy you the rest of the day.

Yelling out "Where the white women at?" in a densely African American populated location is not a successful way to pick up chicks or make friends.

Gentile comedians should get some sort of a handicap when performing jokes after Jewish comedians.

Why do conversations that start like "Patrick, you know we love you but..." are always so negative. For once I'd like to have that conversation go something like this: "Patrick, you know we love you but, we just bought you a BRAND NEW CAR!"

My favorite stories that people tell are ones that involve me.

Is there a proper way to let a girl know that her oral services are no longer needed (and that the use of teeth should never be an option.)

Recently I was out with friends camping. A random girl that I had never met before said: "Mmm what smells so good?" I didn't skip a beat and said "I farted." I love to make a great first impression.

Every time I see a dead roadrunner in the road I smile because I know Wile. E. is finally happy.

Attention Soccer fans: Do not call soccer football if you live in the United States. Not only is it confusing, it is fucking obnoxious. When you invite me to "watch some football" and I come over to your place and see soccer on I want to terminate our Facebook friendship immediately after pummeling you with a football.

I wonder if people from the United Arab Emirates get equally as annoyed when they click on the United States when filling out online forms.



(Btw- its "aitch.")

No. 64 "Benign Minutia IV."

I want to go to a battered woman's shelter and show up with a baseball bat just to see their reaction. Then, I will invite them to join in on a friendly game of baseball where we can all forget about our worries. After which I will beat them with a baseball bat.

Remember when nautical star tattoos were cool? Yeah, me neither.

There is something emasculating about letting someone pass you on the right when you are driving on the highway. Even if I'm going much slower than the posted speed limit and the car has every right to pass me I still feel the need to speed up and not allow him to do so. Who's the pussy now, bitch!?

After several years and various attempts I have found that it is impossible to look cool while holding a purse if you are a male. Whenever a chick (or my mom) gives me her purse to hold on to while they do their make up or jack of a midget I try to find a way to hold it without looking like a gay. Under the shoulder? Faggy. Extended away from my torso? Homoey. On my head? Just retarded. I guess the only cool way to hold a purse is to steal one from a woman on the street, but I still think they are a little bit self conscious while running away with it.

It is nearly impossible to pick up chicks at a candlelight vigil.

AIM screen names with one's boyfriend/girlfriend in the title are basically the name tattoos for teenagers. It must suck for Jakesgirl34 to have to change her screen name to Jakesacheatingjerk34 once Jake bangs her sister. That's what you get for not putting out, bitch.

Reason #45,028 why I am immature: I consider "older chicks" to be women my age.

Whenever I forget to turn up the volume on my cell phone alarm clock or program it to PM instead of AM, I instantly get angry at the phone. I throw it and curse at my phone while I'm burning it alive as if my phone has some sort of vendetta against me.

There is no way to use the word exfoliate and sound straight.

I love it when my mom tries to trick me into thinking I like a certain food. "Mom, what the fuck? Why did you put mushrooms in this?" "Honey, you love mushrooms, I should know, I'm your mother." I'm not sure if my mom is getting senile or she's just a flat out liar. I hate mushrooms, I've created several Facebook groups professing my hatred for the vegetable. Nice try Mom, you fucking liar.

No. 62 "Benign Minutia III."

Are all black guys' cousins inherently shady?

People from America that spell favorite favourite are automatically labeled uptight assholes in my book. It doesn't make you seem cultured, you just look like an ass. Go to fucking Canada if you're gonna spell words incorrectly.

Who is this guy that is marrying Kendra "I have the most annoying god damn laugh in the fucking world" Wilkinson? I am a huge NFL fan and I've never heard of the dude. But, its better than licking an 83 year old's balls, I suppose.

Why is Macauley Culkin doing Palm Pre commercials? I guess the script for Home Alone 5 isn't ready yet.

I recently discovered strikethrough on my blog, and I'm so excited to use it. I can write whatever I want and no one will be able to read it because its crossed out. Once I peed in a trash can in my room and blamed it on my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. See, its fool proof.

Attention Women: It is just as easy to put the seat up as it is to put the seat down. I'm not sure where this notion came from that all guys need to put the seat down after they piss. Its sexist. Guys are inherently lazy and instead of putting the seat down after urinating we usually just leave it down and piss all over the seat. Enjoy your wet asses, ladies. Oh, and if my future wife tries to pull this seat-down bullshit on me, the bitch will be pissing outside. Yep, that's how I roll.

There needs to be an easier way to eat the bottom of a Popsicle. It seems like every time I get to the end of it I have to deep throat the fuck out of the stick to get the last bit of deliciousness. Wow, that didn't sound gay at all.

How has no one bought the website Bomb.com? I am saving up my money and buying it so whenever someone says "That party was the bomb dot com" they will have to pay me royalties. Don't you wish you were smart like me?

I don't understand that when I'm on a fifteen minute break at work it goes by so fast, but whenever I microwave a hot pocket it feels like I could watch all three Lord of the Rings and it still wouldn't be done.

Sexual predators are probably the weakest of all the predators. Most of them are middle-aged, balding men that frequent Myspace far too often. Think about all the other types of predators: sharks, bears, and lions. I would much rather get fondled by a guy that lives in his mom's basement that be mauled by a bear.

Updated 7/23/10

No. 59 "Benign Minutia II."

Do you have to speak in a southern twang to be a NASCAR driver? Is it a part of the interviewing process?

I think the recent rise in stalkers has to do with the fact that every romantic comedy is about a guy liking a girl who doesn't feel the same way. He keeps trying and trying and finally gets her in the end. Maybe stalkers are just hopeless romantics.

If you find scissors in a guys bathroom, don't touch them. Just let them be, you know what they're for.

Things that need to cease to exist: black jelly beans, The Jonas Brothers, and Esurance commercials

Athletes from other countries need to learn the fucking language when they come to America. You're getting paid millions of dollars, Rosetta Stone is only like 30 bucks, dip shits!

A good way to confuse friends on Facebook: Send a comment like "had a great time last night, we should kick it again." But, you have to do it to your friends you haven't seen in months that live across the country. It will confuse the fuck out of them.

If you're on that show Cheaters aren't you basically just saying to future employers "Don't hire me, I'm mentally imbalanced."

You never notice how many baseball fields there are until you fly on an airplane.

Why do strippers always have to bring up their kids? I'm not gonna give you a bigger tip (cause I never tip strippers.) It just makes me notice your stretch marks and C-section scars. Boner killer.

Whenever an administrator or someone of importance says "Have a safe weekend" what they're really saying is don't party and do drugs.

How did hot chicks ignore guys hitting on them before texting was invented?

Updated 7/18/10

No. 54 "Benign Minutia I."

I used to do these a couple years ago, where I'd compile random thoughts that go through my warped brain on a day-to-day basis. There is no theme or story to them, just benign minutia, so here you go...

-Chicks with blonde hair on top and black hair underneath will felate you 3X more often than a chick with regular hair.

-Stop posting pictures from your semester/summer abroad. It makes me jealous and I am going to delete you out of spite.

-Chick comedians aren't funny. They just aren't. Watch Comedy Central Presents: Some Dumb Bitch and try to laugh. Its like sneezing with your eyes open. Impossible.

-To be a correspondent on any of those VH1 and E! countdown shows, do you have to be a homosexual with horn rimmed glasses?

-I've noticed that when you are a teenager you're always rounding up, saying things like "yeah, I'm 16 but I turn 17 in like 3 months." But, once you are past 21 you start rounding down. "Well I'm 23 but I just turned 23 like eleven months ago."

-Since the Shamwow guy got caught beating up that hooker and Billy Mays died, who is going to sell me useless shit over the TV?!

-I was listening to "Confessions" by Usher for some gay reason. (Naw, its actually a pretty cool song, but I digress) and he just stepped up a notch in the "I can get laid no matter what factor." The dude talks about how he cheated on his girl and knocked up some other hoe and I bet after that song came out even more hoes wanted his nuts. I'm not jealous, though. Yes I am.

-Girls either want to kill or fuck Megan Fox. Can't you girls just find a happy medium? How about some S&M with her? And can I watch? No? Fine.

-Am I the only person that would risk going to jail if I got to nail Selena Gomez? Maybe I shouldn't have made these comments public...

-How the fuck do the Kardashian sisters that aren't named Kim have their own show? I wonder how that pitch went, "Alright, we're developing a show around the uglier Kardashian sisters. Oh, and Kim, the hot one, isn't going to be in it." "Deal. Here's ten million dollars. Just throw it out a fucking window." I need to stop watching E!


Updated 7/18/10

Beer By Location.

I've noticed that people treat beer differently by it's location. If you are at a random party playing a drinking game you drink that shit like its going out of style. Chug half of it then you throw the rest in the neighbor's pool. It's free, who gives a shit? But, when you are paying $10 for 12 ounces of liquid gold at a baseball game you sip that shit like fine wine. If someone knocks over your beer at said random party, no big deal. But, if a six year old kid at his first baseball game bumps into you and makes you spill 2 sips of your beer you knock his ass to the ground and curb stomp him. Strange isn't it?
Just a thought...

No. 48 "Bucket List 2."

Since I have already accomplished the things I wanted to do on my first bucket list, I had to write another one. This time I'll need a time machine, some foreign language training and a monocle. Enjoy the thoughts that cloud my attention while I'm in class.

Out-argue an Angry, Obnoxious, Sometimes Overweight Black Woman.
-It may just be me, but whenever I see any of these shitty reality shows, there is always an overly confident, blowhard black woman that scares the bejesus out of all the other skanks on the show. This angry overweight black woman loves confrontation and always repeats the same word or phrase and some how wins the argument out of pure idiocracy and fear. I would love to argue with one of these retards and get them to shut the Fuck Up. I'm talking to you, New York!

Be So Shocked That I Drop My Monocle Into My Soup.
-I'll be a fancy gala event and someone will do something shocking, which will shock me so much that i drop my monocle into the soup that the waiter just put in front of me. This will be followed by me saying "My Word!" in a British accent. Now I just need to find myself a monocle...

Catch Foreigners Talking About Me in Another Language.
-This will be a great A-Ha! moment. I will learn every modern language known to man, then walk around big cities with many foreigners acting like a douche. (Stay out of Orange County) Then, when they start talking in their native tongue about me, insulting me, and thinking I cannot understand them. Then, A-Ha! I will confront them, speaking to them in their jibber-jabber language. They will be so shocked that they will die... and I will smile.

Kill The Messenger.
-This will be during my sinister bad guy years. Some nervous young kid that works for me will deliver me bad news which will anger me. I'll shoot him and then walk away as I light a cigar and motion for my henchmen to clean up the mess.

Stand Up To an 80's Preppy Bully.
-After I build my time machine to 1987 I will go to a high school and find the smug popular guy with the sweater tied around his shoulders. I'll pretend to be the new kid at school stealing his thunder, and at the prom (where everything always goes down) I'll catch him cheating on his girlfriend and then knock him onto the table of punch, ruining his cardigan. I'll go back to 2008 and become an 80's legend.

Shoot At Someone and Yell "Dance!"
I'll need my time machine again for this one, or I could just go to the South since it hasn't changed intellectually since the 19th Century. I'll go to some saloon and get into an argument with the barkeep over the price of my drink. I'll grab my pistol and start shooting at his feet. While he's jumping up and down I'll be throwing up my cowboy hat and yell "Dance!" Then, I'll come to my senses and realize he was correct about my tab, apologize, pay and be on my way.

Get Into a NYC Cab and Yell "Follow That Car!"
-This might be a problem in real life since no NYC cabbies speak English, but I just want to follow some car throughout the city, cutting off cars and running into newspaper stands. Once the car I'm chasing gets to its final destination I'll calmly get out of the cab and walk away, confusing the cabbie for the rest of his B.O. smelling life.

Get Into a Brawl at a Biker Bar.
-It will start with me walking into the bar, the music will turn off and all the bikers will give me a dirty look. I'll accidentally knock over the drink of the biggest, baddest biker. He and his hoodlums will all fight me and I'll beat them all with a pool stick. I'll leave the bar after taking a shot of whiskey and then knock over all the motorcycles like dominoes.

Finally Kill James Bond.
Alright, its been like 50 years and all these bad guys can't get the job done. They spend too much time devising elaborate plans on how to make him suffer using lasers and fancy equipment. I will just walk up to him at the bar while he's drinking his martini and shoot him in the fucking face. How hard is that, bad guys?

So, there you go. Sarcastic comment.

No. 44 "My Bucket List."

I'm getting older in age, and I decided to write down the things I would like to do before I die, a Bucket List. Not a shitty buddy movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Here are some things I would like to do before I croak...

Fart So Bad a Skunk Dies From The Smell
-I've had some pretty bad ones, but to make a skunk die from the smell would put a smile on my face.

Cock Slap One of Those Dumb Bitches That Asks Too Many Questions During Class
-You know these smart asses that as soon as class is wrapping up they have their retarded theories and questions they want to ask the professor. After I cock slap them, the class will applaud me and I will walk out of the room.

Call All Women "Dames" For A Full Year
-It seems like that was the rage in the 1940's but no one calls women dames anymore. I just think it would be cool and people would catch on.

Arrest A Cop
-Cops think they have all the power in the world, but I think it would be cool to go undercover and arrest a dirty cop and then say something from 21 Jump Street.

Point and Say "It Was HIM!" In a Court Room
-You always see this in movies and TV shows, but never in real life. I'll stand up and point at the culprit, and the court room will gasp as the judge slams down his gavel and says "Order! Order!" Yeah, that would be cool

Have A Mustache That I Can Twirl With My Finger
-And if I'm in the mood, tie a dame to rail road tracks and laugh hysterically.

Have Henchmen
-I'd just like to have a few big dudes at my beck and call to do my dirty work as I sit on my big chair and pet my cat.

Have A Crowd Do A Slow Clap For Me
-You see it in inspirational movies like Cool Runnings. I'll do something amazing and then some 8 year old kid in a wheel chair will stand up and start the slow clap and then everyone will join in. Even my arch nemesis will join the slow clap. It shall be righteous.

Be an Evil Super Hero
-Everyone wants to be a good super hero, saving people and doing good. But, if I was a super hero I would be too lazy to help people. Most of my time would be spent throwing 18 wheelers at buildings and stealing money out of banks.

Say Something Clever Right Before I Shoot a Bad Guy
-Every action movie from the 80's has the good guy say something clever right before he shoots the bad guy. I want to do that, preferably in front of a group of people so they will remember my clever catch phrase.

Yell "Get off my Plane!" to a Terrorist.
-Harrison Ford got to do it. But, first I need to own a plane. I can't tell someone to get off "my" plane if its owned by TWA. So, first I need a plane... then a terrorist.

Punch A Baby
-Check

So, that might be a less than ordinary Bucket List. Skydiving, curing AIDS, and traveling around the world may not be on my list. But, at least I'll have a cool mustache, and if you don't like it I'll send my henchmen after you!

No. 19 "Random Thoughts Part 8."

A balloon is the only thing you can't "put down." You can "put it up" though.

Girls: If you ever do something with a guy and say "don't tell anyone, this is between you and me," he will be texting and myspaceing his friends faster than you can say "I'm a kill that asshole."

If I see another asshole with one of those bluetooth ear pieces of shit I'm gonna slap a hoe. Who the fuck do you think you are? The secret service? No one cares that you have friends and they call you. Its probably your mom on the line anyways you fag.

I want to learn a foreign language, go to a place where there's a lot of people that speak that language, act like a retard, have them talk shit about me in their language, and then confront them, telling them that I know what they said. Too much work? Probably.

Whenever I'm driving and there's a fly in my car I forget I am driving and my only prerogative is the destroy this fly. Forget watching the road, my speed, or children in crosswalks. There is a fly in my space and he must die.

I was at the mall the other day and they had one of those kiosks that had these brick looking things that polish your nails. I walk by and the girl that worked there was like "Hey, come over here, I wanna show you something." She was cute and didn't look like a rapist so I went over and she took my hand and polished one of my finger nails. I was totally caught off guard. What the fuck! I'm a guy, I don't give a shit about my nails. And my one nail was so damn shinny. I spent all day trying to dirty it up and make it look un-girly. Watch out for these kiosk finger-nail rapists.

My mom always talks about how she doesn't like the fact that I drink under-age. But, the last three gifts she's gotten me were: Guinness board shorts, a beer pong shirt, and a shot glass from Spain.

How come every McDonald's commercial I see with black people in it they're always ordering the chicken sandwich. Fucking McRacists.

It's funny seeing the new freshman class this year, all young and naive. But by Thanksgiving most will drop out, gain 20 lbs, or be pregnant. Oh, college.

Anyone that calls a girl a "goofball" is automatically a douche ball.

No. 17 "Random Thoughts Part 7."

I think its pretty crazy the way people express themselves through bumper stickers. You can practically know someone just from the back end of their car. For example: People who put political stickers on their cars. DUMB ASSES. Put a Bush/Cheney sticker on your car at a Dave Matthews concert if you want it to get keyed. Girls that put their sorority letters on their car are retards. You might as well put a RAPE ME sticker on your car.

Every porn starts with "I've never done this before" even though they obviously have. So you were just born with that gaping wound you call a vagina? Fuck those liars

Its funny watching those phone sex commercials. The girls are always gorgeous and roaming around in bikinis at 3 am, but you gotta know its your aunt's middle-aged friends sitting in their trailer on the other line.

Have you ever noticed there is no Food City in Scottsdale and no AJ's Fine Foods in the ghetto. I have.

I hate it when I'm on AIM and have my away message on and someone IM's me. Its like being at my house with my door locked and someone breaks down my door.

I'm not against drunk driving, I'm just against DUIs.

I'm not an angry drunk, I'm an angry sober. If I'm at a party and there's no booze. I'm busting skulls.

Cops are impossible to please. They tell you to move your car, you move it, and ask if its OK. And they're like "Well, that works I guess." I don't know what it is with cops that made them such assholes. Its either they were bullies in high school and wanna still boss people around with the little power they have or they were nerds and wanna get back at "cool people" by busting parties and handing out MICs. Fuck the police.

Its stupid how some people use their top 8/16/20 as a ranking system or take it out on people. Example: "OMG, Sally didn't call me back, I'm totally bumping her to #8!" You can't do that in real life.

Here's what the phrase "He's/She's not my type" really means: They are ugly.

No. 15 "Random Thoughts Part 6."

On Facebook, (AKA Myspace's brother in college) you can have a little away message and I've been messing around with it lately. But whenever I want to put hilarious away messages like "I am fucking your mom." It says "You are fucking your mom." It's nice that Facebook changes up the possessive tone, but it makes me look like a inbreeder to myself.

I love the differences in gender lingo when it comes to arguments. Girls will use words such as "sweetheart," "honey," and "pumpkin" in a negative connotation, which is genius! They will be yelling at each other, and one of them well be like "Listen up honey, you're a slut!" and the other one will be like "No, you're the slut, sweetheart." Its an insult wrapped in a compliment. I wouldn't know whether to hug or punch them. As for guys, we're straight up. If we're mad at you, we'll call you a fag, douche bag, dick, fucker, ect. And we'll wrap that insult with a fist-in-face.

For Kudos on Blogs: Give two or zero. Don't give one. What's the point. "Eh, it was semi entertaining, I will give you half the amount of kudos because you could have done better. Hopefully you will try harder next time and you will get both of my kudos I have to give. But right now I'm taking your other kudos with me, bitch."

Bands are the homeless people of Myspace. They are pan-handlers asking everyone to add them. Instead of asking for money, they want you as a friend. I wonder what it would be like if hobos asked people to be their friends instead of asking for money.

I hate movies where kids outsmart adults. In real life those fuckers would be toast in 2 minutes. I can take any 10 year old, any day of the week, they aren't that clever.

I remember back when I played basketball/soccer/baseball as a kid, whenever I acted up or did something wrong the coach would say "Patrick! go take a lap! Oh, you're talking back? Make that five!" I wonder if that concept would work in real life. Say I get charged with robbery and instead of jail time, the judge gives me 100,000 laps.

Guys with six-packs never ever miss an opportunity to take their shirts off.

I've been going to the lake/river a lot lately and I've noticed that everyone is tatted up. Tats on their back, tats on their arms, tats above their cooch. Everywhere. Is their some sort of secret law that if you are near water you need ink on your skin?

There is no way a man can look cool with a purse. You know what I'm talking about. Your girlfriend or the girl you're currently banging goes into the bathroom and asks you to hold on to her purse. It doesn't matter if you hold it behind your back, with two fingers, or to the side. It is impossible to look manly with a purse. Don't even try.

On the other hand, girls can pull off just about anything that man usually have. Have her carry a gun, that's hot. Have her with a bottle of beer. Hot. Have her with another girl. There we go.